"... are distinguished by parrot-like zygodactylous feet, separately mobile and stereoscopic eyes, very long, highly modified, and rapidly extrudable tongues, swaying gait, horns and the ability of some to change colour ..."

Oh, you've met my ex-wife then?

A ragbag of hypothetical balderdash ...

The morning service on BBC's Radio 4 on Sunday (October 10) was brought from Belhaven Parish Church, Dunbar. As the minister was apparently called the Rev Laurence Twaddle, I set out yet again to write to the BBC to ask them why they this twaddle is on on a Sunday morning. No, not the Reverend but the twaddle that is religion generally.

With the analogue signal being switched off soon, leaving only digital transmission, surely the BBC can organise to spoon-feed this ragbag of hypothetical balderdash on a separate channel? It already does this with a similar genre, its broadcast of the dealings of Parliament. Maybe they could merge the two into one channel? How about calling it 'BBC Fool's Paradise'? That would leave the rest of us to the paradise of listening to John Humphrys and Eddie Mair in peace.

"I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine."

Elizabeth Perkins, born November 16, 1960

Something only a woman would say ... like "does my bum look big in this dress?"

Baa baa black sheep ...

This week has been a wonderful turning point for me. No, not the Pope's visit. Until the silly Church of Rome can show that their prayers result in the miracle of lost limbs regrowing I will continue to despise this outdated bunch of mystical mountebanks. Besides, my first wife was a Catholic and that was like aversion therapy concerning religion. well, it wasn't just confined to religion with her, she was the living embodiment of the woman that turns you gay - so now you know how it happened!

No, this week saw the children getting good feedback at school and also saw my stepdaughter Sahara going back home to her mother. The problems that we have faced as a family over the last five years are finally ebbing away into the distance. Cause celebre! Finally my determination has paid off. I never thought I would be a single-parent at almost 60 but then I guess I will still be a single-parent when I'm 70! Sadly some family and friends got lost on the way, but that is their loss, not ours.

I am just looking forward to life getting back to more of a normality, Saturday morning at football training with the boys and singing nursery rhymes to Sahara when she comes to visit the boys. The future has become much brighter over the course of this year.

Summer in Agadir

Morocco is no longer what I call a holiday. Since going there for the first time in 1985. I have visited a further 65 times. It's a bit like going home for me. Still the weather was a pleasant 35 degrees - in the shade - and the apartment we stayed in was really lovely.

The boys enjoyed visiting their relatives, especially their cousins, and they too had a lovely time trying to keep up with the physical demands that Nassim and Imran presented them with - the endless trips to the beach, playing ping-pong or football, the waterpark, camel riding ... - their memory of Nassim and Imran from before the holiday was as toddlers, so reality came as something of a shock!

I enjoyed staying in Morocco for summer because the weather was lovely and I didn't have to think about the humdrum of life back at home. However, Agadir has changed so much in the last few years that it is barely recognisable from when I lived there just over a decade ago. For half-term we are going to stay with friends in a quiet street tucked into the foothills of the Quantocks ...